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Just remember don't mention the communists.
Calvin's a great guy, but he's a little--you know.
-Nutty. -What's his wife like?
You know...housewife.
Likes to cook, pregnant.
Normal, then.
I wouldn't go that far.
-Helen! -Oh, hi, Betty. Hi, Dave.
Just look at you.
Any day now.
Say hi to my sister Ruth and her husband.
Tell me if you've heard this one.
A duck walks into a drugstore.
He says, "I'd like some lip gloss."
The clerk says, "Certainly, sir. Will this be cash or check?"
The duck says, "Put it on my bill."
Oh, brother.
He was the golden boy professor at Cal Tech...
but then he started inventing things.
He suddenly became very rich.
And that was it. He quit teaching.
-How's that? -Just what the doctor ordered.
Calvin spends all of his time out there...
tinkering around in the workshop.
If you ask me, it's all very strange.
Same is true of batteries.
I could take a simple yacht battery...
and rig it to last a decade, easily.
Say, Helen, what does Calvin think...
about this trouble down in Cuba?
Oh, for heaven's sakes, please don't bring that up.
I'd say my baseball card collection is as complete...
as any one I've ever seen.
Calvin! Kennedy is going toe-to-toe with Khruschev...
on television right now.
Ooh, boy.
On the island of Cuba.
Unmistakable evidence has established the fact...
that a series of offensive missile sites...
is now in preparation on that imprisoned island.
Tower, this is Wolf One. I got five miles to the overhead.
Wolf One, Tower. Report the numbers.
You're number one for the overhead.
Tower, this is Wolf One. I got a problem here.
State your problem, Wolf One. Are you declaring an emergency?
Stand by, One.
Additional sites appear to be designed...
for intermediate-range ballistic missiles...
and thus capable of striking most of the major cities...
in the western hemisphere.
Folks.
Given this extraordinary turn of events...
I think it's prudent we cut this evening short.
I'm sure this Cuban thing will resolve itself...
but in the meantime, I suggest we take...
a prayerful watch and wait stance.
OK, folks, let's go.
-My coat. -Oh, here you go.
What did I tell you?
Well, I'm certainly not gonna let this pot roast go to waste.
Oh, Calvin, would you put that seat cushion...
back on the lawn chair, honey?
Shouldn't we at least turn off the phonograph?
It shuts off automatically.
Oh. Did you make it to do that?
They all do.
I never know anymore.
I bet that's a fighter jet on its way to Key West.
Good luck, amigo.
An emergency has been declared.
I repeat, an emergency has been declared.
You hear that?
I'll come back for the radio.
I wish you would have at least let me do the dishes.
It's not gonna be that easy...
to get all that dried-on food off my nice plates.
I just hope those plates are not radioactive by tomorrow.
Cheese is particularly troublesome.
I've got secondaries of an engine fire.
I'm gonna need to find a clear area to eject.
Roger, Wolf One. Can you make it to the ocean?
Roger that, Tower.
I'm marking the one-eight-zero radio for five...
and ejecting, Tower.
Roger, Wolf One.
How long will we have to stay down here?
For this thing to blow over could take days.
Days?
What if I go into labor?
That could happen any time now.
I've read up on it.
If I have to, I'll deliver the baby myself.
Home, sweet home.
To you, maybe.
Are you all right?
I think so.
It's happened!
Look at that heat!
All my surface indicators...
knocked out! Oh, Lord!
It's happened!
What was that noise?
- The locks. - The locks?
To keep us from trying to leave.
There's a radiation half-life after an atomic blast.
-It lasts thirty-five years. - Thirty-five years?
Then after that, it's safe to go up.
According to Cal Tech...
this Webber guy was a bona fide genius...
but a borderline nut case.
He and Mrs. Nut Case...
must have been out here when the plane hit.
Unless we get a postcard or something, that'd be my guess.
What about relatives?
They're all back east.
Neighbors said the guy spent day and night out here.
She'd bring him sandwiches and hot Dr. Pepper.
He drank it hot?
Good God.
Chilly? You shouldn't be.
Temperature's a nice seventy-three degrees.
Maybe I've just got the creeps.
How could you? This is just like home.
No, Calvin! This is different.
Believe me.
Would you like a tranquilizer?
You've got tranquilizers?
I told you I have everything.
What?
Oh, hon.
Just breathe.
I'll get my stuff.
Is there a problem?
No, Calvin. Babies cry.
I've noticed.
What shall we call him?
I don't know.
Well, I was thinking in the light of situation...
we should call him Adam.
That's not sacrilegious, is it?
No. I think it's just right.
See, I flick this switch...
and the image is projected onto a mirror...
and the picture comes out here...
and it's perfect.
Well, almost perfect.
Lord, bless this food...
this family...
and make us ever mindful...
of the needs of others. Amen.
Let's eat.
Out here, hon.
Oh, there you are.
Looked all over for you.
You wanted to see me?
Yes. You ready, Adam?
Watch this.
He can stand up all by himself.
Show Daddy.
All by himself.
That's my guy.
Stand up.
My son.
Up, Adam...
to the moon.
I never seen a septic tank that looked like that.
Well, don't fool with it.
If it is a septic tank, I sure as hell don't want to open it.
We'll just lay the foundation over it.
I'm gonna need two more banana splits and a Cherry Coke.
You bet, Mom. Comin' up.
Oh, by the way, Mom, thanks for the job.
Buck fifteen an hour.
Your husband is crazy.
Hook off the jab.
That's right.
Four, five.
Five, six.
And six, spin.
May I cut in?
You certainly may.
Thank you, son.
What the hell kind of music is that?
Oh, man.
I'm not sure I like that.
These are stock certificates.
Your Mom and I bought them, for you.
Of course, they're worthless now...
but at one time they were quite valuable.
They're pretty. Could I have them?
Sure.
Now let's move on to our French exam.
Latin exam, Dad. It's Tuesday.
Gosh, it is Tuesday.
Time flies, doesn't it?
Tempus fugit.
You have a wonderful sense of humor, son, I must say.
The acorn does not fall very far from the tree.
This is wonderful.
That's my baseball card collection.
It's yours now.
What's baseball?
It's a game, son.
I can explain it pretty easily.
You see, there's a pitcher.
Oh, like a painting?
No. A pit-cher.
Like one of Mom's?
No. There's a man who throws the ball...
to a man who has a bat.
Oh, the nocturnal flying mammal.
I'm sellin' this place.
I want out of this hellhole.
Could I, uh...
Buy it from me?
Yeah! Yeah, that's it!
I'll give it to you. No money down.
Cool!
I'm only gonna explain this one more time.
The runner on second goes to third.
It's--He's out there.
<iWhy?
Because he's forced out. It's--it's a force.
Then why go there?
Because...he must.
Coming.
Yes, dear?
You get the presents, I'll get the lights.
You bet.
Happy birthday to you
And many more
Thanks, Mom. Thank you, Dad.
-Blow out the candles. -Make a wish.
Here.
Oh, boy! A jacket!
Your mom made that all by herself.
-No kidding? -No kidding.
Who else could have done it?
I made these.
Holy cow.
What the heck are these?
It's your roller skates. Yup.
I redesigned them.
These are really swell. I mean swell.
What did you wish for, son?
If he tells, it won't come true.
Oh, that's a bunch of baloney. My family never believed that.
Well, we did in my family.
I wished that I could meet a girl.
I hope a nice one?
Yes, ma'am.
One that doesn't glow in the dark, I hope.
Calvin Webber, what a thing to say.
Well, we'll be going up in two years.
We'll know then.
I'm very hopeful.
Me, too.
You know, when we do go up...
I'm gonna miss this place.
How about you, hon?
Would you please excuse me?
No, no, don't--don't get up.
Should we say a prayer first?
Just open the door.
Long time.
Well, it's dirty, but...
it seems to be OK.
I know you're happy.
Do we just go on up?
No, son.
Now is the time we must be at our most cautious.
We wait for night.
Oh, shit!
Helen Thomas Webber...
maybe we have been down here a little too long.
Pardon her French, son.
"Shit" is French?
Well, it's archaic French.
It's a 16th century colloquialism...
meaning roughly "Good."
Your father's right.
Well...shit!
Earthquake! Another earthquake!
Let her come. Let her come. Let's get this over with!
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God, save me.
For I have seen the light!
I come...
in peace.
Leave my elevator alone.
What happened to my backyard?
Got a light, honey?
A light? Yes.
I do have a light.
Good. Thank you.
So...you survived the blast.
The blast?
Honey, I've survived a host of things.
Like the song says, the country boy can survive.
Did you say you were a country boy?
Cute little old man...
if you want a boy, I can be a boy...
and if you want a girl, I can be a girl.
Hell, I can be whatever you want me to be.
Really?
Uh-huh, and it's all yours...
for the remarkably low price of two hundred dollars.
And if you act now...
I may even throw in some free lawn furniture.
No. Thanks.
Thank you. I have to go.
Go on.
Get out of here, you old drunk!
Surprise!
I'm gonna give it to you straight.
There's no point beating around the bush.
There were survivors.
Apparently the fallout has created a subspecies--mutants.
-Mutants? -Not a pretty sight.
Some eat out of garbage cans.
Others--cover your ears, son, and hum.
I mean that literally. Right now.
Others...are multi-sexual.
It seems they can be both...
masculine and feminine simultaneously.
-I don't believe it! -Believe it.
He tried to sell me his body, Helen.
They offer lawn furniture as a come-on.
All right.
They have done a lot of rebuilding...
though society, at least as we know it...
has totally collapsed. People throw up in the streets.
Others point guns.
There's something terribly wrong with the automobiles...
and I can't tell you the rest.
I just can't. Maybe someday.
-What do we do now? -We stay down here!
-We do? -Yes!
We'll make do.
We have clothes, running water from a well.
I am convinced these mutants will kill each other off--
No, Calvin, we won't make do!
Not me, not Adam ! We're going up!
I don't care how horrible it is! We deserve it!
I am the head of this household!
I want him to see the sky!
We will!
The ocean! A mountain!
Do as I say!
Oh, Adam ! Oh, my goodness!
Let's get him to the bedroom !
He seems to be doing all right now.
I don't know if he had a heart attack...
or just a horrifying experience...
but we need supplies, and I've got to stay with him.
I'll go up.
I'm afraid you must.
I'll be all right.
My brave boy.
Just act normal.
If anyone asks, simply say...
"I'm from out of town. I'm here on business."
Write that down.
Now, I'm going to give you a shopping list and some money.
We'll need just enough to get through the next year or two.
You'll find most of these items...
at what used to be called a grocery store...
or a hardware store. Write that down.
I don't know how far you'll have to travel to find supplies...
but if you can't get home by nightfall...
I want you to look for something called a Holiday lnn.
It's a hotel. Write that down.
There might still be one left standing.
Well, let's get you packed.
Right.
Just hope this is still good up there.
-Say, Mom? -Yes, dear?
I was wondering...
while I was up there and all...
I was thinking, well, you know...
I was wondering if maybe I could...
meet a girl.
I've been thinking about that a little.
Just these last fifteen years or so.
Adam, it would be wonderful if you could meet a girl...
one who's not a mutant...
and hopefully comes from Pasadena.
Nothing against valley girls, but in my day anyhow...
girls from Pasadena always seemed a little bit nicer.
Oh, and, son, there's also something called a liquor store.
Write that down.
"Liquor store."
Are you all right?
O Lord, yes.
Are you the one who came last night...
all in yellow?
Oh, that was my father.
Oh! Of course. The father.
Forgive me.
Can you forgive me for my wasted life?
Everything has been so awful.
I know. It has been terrible...
but it's not your fault.
And now that all the decay is over with...
things are going to get better.
-You understand? -Yes!
Well, I have to go now.
Of course! Of course you do.
I'll stay here and pray.
Say, that's always a good idea.
How do I leave this place?
The front door is open.
Will you be back?
I promise.
What?
What is it?
The sky.
The sky? Where?
Up there.
I don't see anything.
Just look!
What is it?
He says he sees something.
-What is it? -The Sky!
I see it, Mommy!
I have never in my life seen anything like it before.
Or like you.
What are you lookin' at?
Oh, my lucky stars, a Negro.
Say what?
How do you do, ma'am?
I do all right.
Good.
Wow!
So this is public transportation.
My father says it becomes more and more important...
because of pollution, which is more and more...
carbon dioxide and other hazardous gases in the air.
Do you have a gun, by the way?
Oh. Well, thank you for not waving it around.
And for not vomiting, for that matter.
Say, do you know where I could find a grocery store?
I have to find that. That and a hardware store...
a liquor store, and a standing Holiday lnn.
There's a grocery store up the street.
-Where? -Up there!
Oh. Thank you. Driver, please stop the bus immediately!
I wish to get off!
Please stop the bus, sir!
-Paper or plastic? -Paper, please.
Do you have a club card?
I need a price check on register four...
Diet Dr. Pepper, six-pack.
Don't talk to strangers.
Can I help you?
Oh, yes. I'd like to get some all-beef patties.
Fresh or frozen?
Come on. Frozen.
How much are they?
Frozen? Six-thirty a dozen in a three-pound box.
Twelve into nine hundred is seventy-five.
That's almost five hundred dollars just for the hamburger.
My mother only gave me three thousand dollars for everything.
The yacht batteries, the pipe tobacco...
the diesel oil, the bleach...
the floss, the birthday candles--
You could get a meat order that big delivered to your home.
Really?
Sure.
Oh, that's terrific.
Except it just occurred to me that I don't know where home is.
I'm lost.
-Do you know where I live? -No.
Will you please excuse me?
Gladly.
Thank you.
Driver, please stop the bus!
The name's Adam Webber...
and I see that you buy baseball cards.
Although these are a lot older than the ones in the window...
I was hoping that you still might be interested.
How much you want for this Mickey Mantle rookie season?
Well, I was hoping to sell all of the cards.
Really? No kidding?
All I have are hundred-dollar bills...
and I need something smaller.
Ones, tens, fives.
I see what you mean. Tell you what.
How about I give you five hundred in small bills...
for the whole box?
That would be wonderful.
Aw, shit.
I'm working here, Evie-poo. Don't screw me up.
Yeah, I can see you're working, all right.
Bon soir, mademoiselle.
Oh, you're French?
I'm from out of town.
I'm here on business.
Well, your business must not be sports memorabilia...
because this one Mantle card right here--
worth six thousand dollars all by its itty-bitty self.
Get out of here!
No, you get out of here.
Terrific. You're fired.
-I quit. -No, no, no. I fired you.
Just like the hair salon guy and the Chevy dealer.
You know why you can't keep a goddamn job?
'Cause you can't keep your goddamn mouth shut!
Excuse me, sir, but I'd really appreciate it...
if you wouldn't take the Lord's name in vain again.
You got a problem with that, partner?
Yes. I have a big problem with that.
Come on, Heathcliff. I'll walk you out.
Yes, ma'am, but my name's Adam.
Adam and Eve, the perfect match.
I hope the two of you will be very happy together.
Mazel-fucking-tov.
And don't come back, neither, miss big shot.
I'm serious this time.
You're finished in the hobby business.
Where are we going?
We? I'm going home. Judging by that coat...
you have to get back to the barber college.
No. I'm lost.
You're lost?
Did you just lose your job back there because of me?
Forget it. I'm sick of working for that dickhead.
Dickhead?
A walking penis capable of intelligent speech.
A dickhead.
What is wrong with you?
I just had this mental picture--
Help me pick these up.
Oh, thank you.
Where are you parked?
I came on a bus.
Why does that not surprise me?
Don't know. Why doesn't it surprise you?
Well, I guess because I'm a little psychic.
I have this thing.
Yeah. Let me guess.
This is your first visit to la-la land.
You're staying in Hollywood, because like an idiot...
you thought that would be an exciting place to stay.
-Am I right so far? -So far.
-Yes, I'm right? -Right.
I knew it.
So you get on a bus and before you know it...
which brings us to here. Correct again?
Again.
Where are you staying?
The Holiday lnn.
That's exactly right.
See? I'm psychic. Not completely, but pretty much.
Pretty good, huh?
No, it was amazing.
I know. Thanks. I'm gonna predict a bus for you.
-You go down here-- -Do you own a car?
Oh, no, sweetie.
Rule number one in North America.
No strangers in the car.
If it'll make you feel any better...
I don't have a gun.
Oh. Well, that changes everything.
Get away from me!
I said something wrong. Please forgive me.
-Get away from me! -I'll make you a deal!
I will give you a Rogers Hornsby if you take me to the hotel!
Rogers Hornsby?
He's yours. I was holding him back.
Rogers Hornsby's worth four thousand dollars.
So what? I got two of them !
And this many Larry "Yogi" Berras...
and...
For four thousand dollars, all I have to do...
is drive you to your hotel?
-Uh-huh. -That's it?
I don't have to take a physical on your spaceship?
No, ma'am.
What?
So, Mr. Andretti, first time on the freeway?
It's Webber. Adam Webber.
Mind if I change the station? Better traffic reports on A.M.
Sure. Wait!
What? What is it?
Go back. You had him. It's Perry.
Perry Como.
You had him. Go back.
OK. Just--
-That's it. -There.
I could die right now.
Over this?
Listen to this part.
This is where it really takes off.
Wait for it. There!
You are one scary son of a gun.
You better slow down.
I can't help it. Perry Como always does this to me.
I just get so cranked.
Card, please. End of service.
That was wonderful.
I've never felt anything like that before in my life.
Yeah, same here. Don't forget your suitcase.
Thanks. You know--
I would like to stay at this hotel.
Fill this out, please, and I'll need to see a card.
A card?
Yes, sir.
Oh. Of course.
OK, then.
Bathroom's there...
TV's there--remote is on top.
Room service menu on the table.
Wow.
Oh, you dial nine to get out.
Of what?
The hotel.
I see.
Thank you. You've been very, very helpful.
I managed to get some change downstairs...
and my father taught me in situations like this...
it's customary to give a tip.
Your father's a smart guy.
My father's a genius.
All right, here's your key, and good night, sir.
Good night. Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite. That's what my mom always says.
Who I'm really beginning to miss, by the way.
Sorry. It's my first night away from home.
How old are you?
Thirty-five.
You don't look thirty-five.
How old do I look?
Oh, twenty-five, around there.
I guess living up here makes people look older.
Up here on the eighteenth floor?
Yes, up here on the eighteenth floor.
Good night.
What the hell am I doing here?
That's what I'd like to know. Somebody tell me that.
Natural oils, tropical fruits...
flora, nuts, and protective sunscreens...
a complete sun-care line...
Hi. This is the woman from the baseball card store.
-Remember me? -Oh, yes.Hi.
Hot-diggety-dog!
Thanks for calling me on the telephone.
I'm so glad to see you.
I thought I'd never see you again.
OK, down, boy.
Listen, I can't take this for driving you home.
I wish I could, but I can't, so, here, take it back.
I would have left it at the front desk...
but it's very valuable. Take it.
I can't take that. It's yours.
Take it, damn it!
Why are you doing that?
Because I haven't brushed yet.
Well, so long. Enjoy your visit.
Wait. Eve, please wait.
Please, do not follow me. Don't do it.
I knew this would happen. You're like a lost puppy.
Can't you talk to me for just one little second?
Damn, I should have taken the money and run.
That's what Troy told me to do, but did I listen? No.
Will you put your hand down?
Who's Troy? Is he your husband?
Or a boyfriend?
Thank you!
Stop that! Don't do that!
Listen, I know you like me, OK? I can tell.
But, you know what? A lot of guys like me.
Not me exactly. It's my legs or my butt or my hair...
or some combination of the above.
I think it's the eyes.
The eyes?
Great. An eye man. Anyhow, it never works out.
OK? Not that you even need to know that.
You look like crap. What have you been doing?
Watching television. In color.
In color? No kidding.
Cross my heart and hope to die.
Yeah. See ya.
Why doesn't it ever work out?
What?
Why doesn't it ever work out, you and men?
Why? Who the hell knows?
If you promise to leave me alone, I'll tell you why.
It never works out...
because I am into legs and hair and butts myself.
So I wind up with guys who are very good-looking...
but even more shallow than I am, if you can picture that.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go find...
another low-paying, demeaning job...
where some guy named Jerry keeps telling me...
how lousy his marriage is.
-Why not go to work for me? -Doing what?
Helping me sell all my baseball cards...
and buying enough food and supplies...
to fill several large trucks.
Food and supplies?
Who for, starving people?
They're not starving yet, but they do need help.
How long would you need me for?
Two weeks.
What's the pay?
What's fair?
I gotta make at least a thousand dollars a week.
You got it.
-Wait here while I get changed. -Sure.
Here you go.
Why would someone need...
twenty-six yacht batteries?
I don't know. I just work for the guy.
And who does he work for, the CIA?
Pipe tobacco.
I'm going to need all of this.
Toilet paper.
Is there a sale?
Well, another day, another dollar.
Will you stop staring at me?
Sorry.
I'll pick you up at 8:00 in the morning.
You know, Eve, I was thinking--
-Good night. -Good night.
We'll need to rent a refrigerated truck...
for the beef and poultry.
Well, it's your life.
And by the way, it's a dandy.
Think we're also going to have to get another locker.
It's no problem. We'll just sell another baseball card.
Coming down.
You know, Eve...
And--and don't get mad, OK, but...
I would just be lost without you.
Thanks.
And I guess...
I guess that...
I think that you and l--
Adam, don't even think about it, OK?
I'm sorry. I know that sounds mean...
but it would be a lot meaner if I didn't say it, OK?
Let's take this truck back, and I'm hungry.
Are you getting in?
There's something else I'd like you to help me with.
Name it.
I'm afraid this is going to sound a little bit crazy.
I'm sure it will.
Then forget it.
No, no. I'm sorry.
What is it?
Eve, I want you to help me find...
a wife.
-A wife? -Yes.
What for?
Because I want to get married.
Why?
Because I don't want to be alone.
Well, you can be single and not alone.
Marriage bites.
-Bites what? -The big one.
It does?
Sure.
Oh. I didn't know that.
Everybody knows that.
I mean, ask my divorced brothers...
or my divorced mom and dad.
Everybody knows that.
They're all divorced?
Everybody's divorced.
What kind of wife you looking for?
Oh, um, well...
one who's not a mutant.
No dogs, huh?
OK. Cool.
And if it's possible...
I'd like to marry someone from Pasadena.
Um, when do you need her by?
Two weeks?
Well, I can probably get you laid in two weeks...
but to locate a non-mutant wife from Pasadena...
will take some time.
That's what I was afraid of.
What do you mean, you can get me laid?
Uh, can we talk about that a little later?
-Of course. -Great.
Lord, bless this food we are about to receive...
and make us ever mindful of the needs of others.
And bless my mom...
and bless my dad...
and bless my new friend Eve.
-Amen. -Amen.
Get out.
-The engine is still running. -Now! Get out!
Yes, ma'am.
-Stop the "Ma'am" crap. -Sorry.
You almost got us killed.
I told you, I've never driven before.
Well, never drive again.
You said it would be easy.
Well, I was wrong!
-Say, is this your house? -Yes.
I like it.
What are you bitching about now?
What are you doing here?
I forgot some of my stuff.
-Your stuff? -Yeah.
Let me see that.
Oh, you came back for your underwear.
Excuse me. These are Ralph Laurens.
How'd you get in?
Thanks.
And who's this interesting looking fellow?
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